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Friday, November 30, 2007

Remembering Faded Memories

The other day while watching my nieces have their hair treatment at David's salon, I busied myself mulling over the series of events that catapulted me into my current role- that of a doting aunt.

Without much regrets really. After all, I enjoy being with two pretty girls though at times they could be a real toughie in the head.

Sometimes it made me wonder though what happened to my five- year teaching stint. Was it for real?

Don't get me wrong. I haven't forgotten for a single second. There were too many precious memories to think of. However, with so many things that happened in barely seven months, it sorts of clouded my mind.

Sometimes I do find myself drowned in tears begging paled memoir not to leave. I tried to hold on tight but my grasp seemed not taut enough. You see, life's journey led me to a completely different path. 

I once had a simple life or would it be apt to say a complex but uncomplicated life? My day usually starts at 5 am then before going to school I would drop off San Francisco church to say a short prayer. That was every morning and I never missed a day without doing it.

I would then have my regular classes and break times are usually spent in front of the computer in my office. My "real" break was only during lunch where I got to eat in the school canteen with my friends. Time in school usually ends at 6-6:30 p.m.

Sleeping time varied depending on the deadlines I'm trying to beat. At times, I would drift off to sleep at 10 pm but most of the times around 1-2 a.m. Social life was only the regular parties in the school.

Now, I find myself in entirely unusual situation. My day starts at 10-11 a.m. (depends what time the medicines would wear off) and ends as early as 9 p.m. The description of my work includes simple tutoring and attending school functions of my two nieces. Pretty challenging, right?

Oh, well it doesn't end there. You see, I mastered also how to reduce children's fever and memorized more or less medicines for kids.

The beauty of it all I guess is that finally I've been doing my first love- that is writing. I shoved it off for quite a long time because I was so career-driven. I do love teaching but my first love is really writing. Now, I could say I am more purpose-driven.

When I came face to face with a life-changing event in my life, I also found myself amidst swirling questions which led me to astounding realizations that there's one part of my life that I haven't satisfied yet-and that is fulfilling my real love in writing.

Notwithstanding my current complicated life because of going back and forth to the hospital, I am thankful for the opportunity to finally do what I should have done for such a long time now. Without the tedious pressure that haunted me everyday of my life, I'm finally chasing my ultimate dream.

I'm not really crazy to think that I'll be in the big time but I guess just to do something about my dream is more than enough now.

On the other hand, I do miss teaching. Every moment that I spent there was full of bitter-sweet memories. There was this occasional losing myself fuming in anger but then there was also moment where I found myself swelling with pride and love to innocent little beings.

My life now is quite farfetched than what it was before. But even if the memories of yesterdays have started to be vague, I continue to chase it. The faded memories lit up that tiny hope in my heart and flared up by the unconditional love of those whom I left behind.

The tears and laughter would remain in my heart albeit of faded memories...it won't end up wilted rose.
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Wednesday, November 28, 2007

Silent Scourge (Poem on Cancer)


My heart aches with proverbial twinge,
Indescribable pain engulfed thy spirit
Debilitating soreness transformed me into wilted point
Dismal abyss overwhelmed unspoken woe.

Moan of anguish welled out from my soul
Adversity crippled the future
Fallen hopes and must-haves faded with the coil
Entangled thoughts flooded my essence.

Hope is such a distant refuge
Safe haven uttered of deep prayer
Evil cancer- an unspoken foe
Silently metastasis and tissues torn in ragged pieces.

Life ain’t be long
Healing is such a distant word
Agony nagged thy fragility
Chemo wrenched whatever optimism is left.

Nay, body won’t succumb to trepidation
Lest I’ll be beaten by the silent cursed
Illness that plagued won’t consume me
In misery thy frail body won’t acquiesce.
  








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Tuesday, November 27, 2007

Adulthood Taught Me Magic Does Not Exist

When I was a kid, I was a great believer of magic. I believed too much that if you tell me things would vanished in thin air I would be quivering in fear. I looked up to everything around me as magic.

Until third grade, I would cross the bridge going to the house of my grandparents crawling. I was dreading the time that "magic" would appear and gulped down my whole body. Oh, the bridge wasn't so high really. But then, when you are young you think that everybody's too tall or everything's too deep. 



Magic also made my childhood easier. I fought my adversaries thinking that magic would do the brawling for me. I thought because of magic my opponents would go home inflicted with misery and I need not to commit sin by fighting them back.

Getting sick was also easier. My mind was already conditioned that "magic" would do the healing and I won't suffer for long. Family problems? Oh, I've given them up to "magic" for fixing, it made my life easier.

The lush meadows, the splendid blue skies, the marvel of the butterfly coming out from its cocoon, the multihued rainbow...they made my tiny heart ached for more wonders of the world. "Magic" imprinted in my soul the anticipation of my future where "bigger magic" dwells.

Many years later, my conviction was slowly tainted as I sail through hard life. I'm not really sure how it happened but I just woke up one day devoid of the "magic" feeling.

I guess that's the gruesome part of growing up. All the innocence slowly ebbs away as tribulations hit us over and over again.

Life's hindrances shred me with the fervor to trust "magic". I no longer crossed the bridge with trepidation or look at an illness as ephemeral. Problems cast dark clouds making me gloomy the whole day. Foes created permanent hole in my heart.

Things around me suddenly lacked wonder and they are just simply part of everyday living. It's not actually what I envisioned it to be where splendor of magic is abundant.

Life is simply a puzzle I work out each day. Sad as it may be, there is no such thing as "magic". 

Each day I face is simply a stepping stone of a continuous learning process. There is naught to fear in the journey ahead but deep down in my heart, a part continuously hope that I just remained a child forever.

However, returning can be done by memory alone. I could only track the road only once. If I see the end of path ahead, it doesn't mean that I could stop. It's just there to help me rest for a while. There is no "magic" that will help me to detour.

I have no map that would steer me all the way. No "magic" to help my voyage easier. Nobody to point which path is right, but I won't put myself in a bitter strife, my trod continues...against all odds.
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